Why I'll Never Regret Becoming A Stay-At-Home Dad.

I’ve been a stay-at-home dad for a little over three years now. My days are filled with pretty much the same routine. Get the girls out of bed, make breakfast and get them dressed. Drive to nursery, complete any minor chores around the house, entertain the eldest while the littlest one naps and if I have energy left then I’ll cook tea. When you see if wrote down like that I would more of rest going out to work, wouldn’t it?

Does that sound like I’m whining about my life? Well, I don’t mean it to because I really love what I do.

That said, being a househusband isn’t always easy and remains a taboos subject for a lot of people and still creates a lot of social unease. You can imagine the comments from some of my male colleagues when I told them that I was quitting my job as a Store Manager to look after our home and raise our children. To be honest it took me a while to figure out how to answer people when they asked me what I did for a living. For a long time I use to mumble something about Rachel wanting to go back to work. I felt uncomfortable talking about it, for the simple fact I felt like I had something to prove.

Now I simple answer “I’m a stay-at-home dad!”

I think it’s fair to say that the number of stay-at-home dads is on the rise and we’re no longer the exotic species we used to be. Surely the fact that LEGO released a stay-at-home dad figurine, complete with baby in a pram and corporate mom, reflects that.

Being a full-time dad and house husband has plenty of perks too of course. From considerable amounts of quality time with the kids to having the time catching up on your favourite Netflix shows and of course the best thing of all, not having to go out to work. Which in the summer isn’t to bad but now the dark mornings are here, it’s a god send.

I’m thankful I can say that as a three year veteran in the stay at home dad game I have worked through a lot of the feeling of self doubt and inadequacy I felt in the beginning. You know the feeling you get when you’re at home with a kid for the first time and you suddenly think to yourself ‘I don’t know what I’m doing.’ Just remember you do know what you’re doing and you’ve go this. Whether you’re a Mum or a Dad, you’ve got this.

Three years into the job, new challenges have presented themselves. The biggest of these has to be those little but constant interruptions throughout the day, whether that be having to do minor chores around the house or doing the nursery run five mornings a week. Plus when you’re trying to get into the flow of writing a blog, editing a video or putting an Instagram post together and all you have in your ear is ‘Daddy, can I have?’ or ‘Daddy, watch me!’ It’s enough to test the patience of even the most laid back person.

The absence of colleagues to share a chat with over a coffee break has also been a problem but I guess that’s why I got into blogging. Being part of a community has really help me connect with people and I am happy to say I met some amazing people who I consider friends.

If it’s something that you’re thinking about doing then please don’t think about all the negative points. Think of all the positive reasons to be one. I relish all the good things that come with being a stay-at-home dad and there are a lot of them. It could very well be the best think I ever did with my life.

 

Are you a stay-at-home parent? Do you regret it? Or are you in a position where you’re think about doing it? Let me know in the comments below

Do Modern Dads Have To Be A 'Jack Of All Trades?'

Being a modern dad isn’t easy and as it turns out the job requires us to have a wide variety of different skills from navigating social media to knowing the lyrics to your kids favourite songs. But having a modest Instagram following is far from the only knowledge required of a modern dad.

Along with taking on the more ‘traditional’ dad talents such as changing a Tyre or putting a shelf up, we also need to have additional skills such as cooking dinner and learning how to braid hair. Doesn’t it feel sometimes like society needs us to be everything to everyone, a ‘Jack of all trades?’

Being a dad in the modern world demands that we get to grips with all manner of tasks and challenges, including those that were once mainly done by mum. It does seem that the requirements of dads today is much tougher than they were in the past, or so it would seem. Even compared to my own dad, as a generation we need to be able to handle so much more.

I believe that there’s a benefit to dads having these added pressures. It does feel that dads are finally finding their voice, especially at home. Dads are now discovering that they have a choice instead of being told what to do when it comes to working or staying at home. They are discovering that they have a voice, an option and they can finally do what they what to do instead what what people think they should do.

Plus, most will even agreed that they spend more time with their children compared to their own dads, which is the whole point, right?

For those who follow me on Instagram will know what I’ve been delving into the world of D.I.Y, trade centres and builders merchants over the past few week while we have project home office on the go. This is a world that I am not to familiar with considering I’ve got a dad who’s been in the game for forty years. In the world of the stay-at-home dad I am the Jedi Master but anything to do with power tools and tape measures I am very much the Padawan.

Building this project has definitely given me some added skills as a dad but It’s also made me think about the pressures of modern dads and feeling you get of needing to be everything, everywhere, all the time. I guess what I’m trying to say is, do mum’s feel the same? Do mum’s feel like they have to keep up with the more traditional roles while feeling like society wants to pick up the none traditional ones too?

I did think about something else while playing bob the builder. My girls loved it too. They love being outside in the wet and the rain chopping wood and hammering in some nails. So I guess you could say it taught me that it’s OK if they want to be outside doing that or being inside playing with L.O.L dolls and Barbies, along as it makes them happy.

Maybe all of us, whether you’re a mum or a dad, need to be a ‘jack of all trades’ sometimes. After all, we’re in 2018 and if we can’t be or do what ever we want now, when can we?

What do you think? Do modern dads have to be a jack of all trades? Is there a pressure of them to take on the traditional talents as well as taking on the more non-traditional ones? Let me know in the comments below

Have I Been Suffering From #DadGuilt?

| Let me just finish this and I’ll play

I’ve heard the phrase #MumGuilt a lot around the internet and I’ve read several blog posts on the subject but I’ve never really understood it, until now. I’m here to admit to you that ‘I’m a dad and I have #DadGuilt. Actually, should I be calling it #ParentGuilt? We are living in 2018 after all.

Looking at what we’ve got going on in our life at the moment, it’s quite clear that we have a lot of plates spinning and all our time is going into making sure known of them stop. I’ve come to realise however, now that we are run our business from what use to be our dining room, my parental guilt has been kicked in to overdrive.

In a 24 hour period we have to find the time to have a job each (OK, so mine is only a few hours a week but it’s still a factor), looking after the needs of the girls, two dogs, attempting to write a blog and do the normal life stuff too. All of this isn’t including anything else that might happen.

Like I said earlier my dad guilt has really kicked in since we added running a business from home into the mix. We’ve been running the business from home for just under a year now and it’s only really took off in the last six months and one of the things that proving the most difficult is to find the time to fit everything else in. Even though everything else has always been there, they’ve quite literally been tossed aside. This includes less quality time as a family

What must it look like from the girls point of view? They see Mummy or Daddy there but we’re not spending time with them or when we’re out running errands instead of being at the park, going swimming or visiting our favourite trampoline park. Olivia is at an age were she knows what Mummy and Daddy have to work but she doesn’t really understand why yet.

| Is this why I’ve been spoiling my kids?

For those who follow me on Instagram will have seen that one of Olivia’s new favourite toy is her L.O.L dolls and over the course of the summer her collection has exploded. We’ve gone from one to over ten and that’s not including her pet collection. Normally the girls don’t really get bought that much between Christmas and birthdays because we wanted to rise them to believe that you can’t always get what you want, when you want it. You have to work hard to get it/ achieve it. So for her to go from what, to getting one a couple of times a week, no wonder she’s grinning from ear to ear.

I’m going to lie, the look on her face when she does get a new addition is brilliant and she hasn’t played with anything else for weeks so, I guess it’s worth it a little bit.

Plus, we both work incredible hard for everything we have so why shouldn’t we spoil them and ourselves from time to time. Money is meant to be spent not saved, right?

I’m not saying for one minute that going out to work full time would be any easier. I imagine you would feel just as guilty for leaving them all day and not being there. I’ve been an at-home parent for three and a half years now I honestly can’t remember what it that’s like. All I’m saying is, being there and not being able to do the fun stuff is hard too.

I know what you’re thinking? I should consider myself lucky because I get spend far more time with them than most dads and you’re probably right. However, this doesn’t stop me from feeling rubbish every time I have to break off from playing with them to take care of something or from feeling crap every time to have run an errand that’s less than fun. Our decision to run the business from home is our own choice and if things keep going in the direction they’re, we’ll both be doing it full time in the not to distant future. So I guess I’m going to have to get use to this feeling.

I’ve come to the understanding that this feeling of guilt isn’t going to go away anytime soon and yes, I do beat myself up about it some days. I do this simply because I read a lot of quote which say ‘your kids don’t need money, they need you.’ Which is only partly true i suppose. I guess the only thing I can do is look at the bigger picture and try to manage my week to the best of my ability. I wrote a post earlier this year about thinking differently about work/ life balance. Maybe I should listen to my own advice?

I guess I should go a little easier on myself and take some confidence in the fact that it’s all for the greater good. The time we do spend together as a family is amazing and If I’m honest I do manage to take the girls swimming or trampolining through the week. It’s just not as offered as I’d like. If you follow me on Instagram you’ll know this to be true.

I’m just not sure how to explain ‘the greater good’ to a three and a one year old.

Have you ever felt Parental Guilt? What makes you feel it the most? How do you manage it? Let me know in the comments below

Gender Roles In The Family Are Outdated | Don’t Be A Father, Be A Dad

Dads are now discovering that they have a choice instead of being told what to do when it comes to working or staying at home. They are discovering that they have a voice and have options.

During the quest for this knowledge, men had the realisation that their roles don’t have to be confined to traditional gender roles anymore. However, in some cases, Dads are still scrutinized for going against the norm and I say, enough is enough.

Here are some of the things that I have learnt since becoming a dad. This is the knowledge that I hope will inspire new dads to be the very best dad that they can possibly be and not to learn the hard way like I did.

 

 

You can look after your own children

You are already an awesome dad, you just might not know it yet because no one has given you the chance to show off your skills. You are an equal partner in your child’s development. All you have to be is a dad who is actively involved in the raising of their children’s life. From having pretend tea parties to kissing poorly fingers better, to letting your kids ride on your back while you pretend to be a horse. Just remember to do it ‘Dad style’.

Never let anyone say you’re babysitting. You’re the Dad!

Be emotional

Never let anyone ever tell you that ‘real men don’t cry’ because they do. A real man can be scared, a real man can cry if he feels like it. A real man can have anxiety and does not have a ‘snap out of it’ attitude  Remember, you have a voice and your feelings matter too.

Men have emotions too. It’s normal and It’s okay. It makes you a stronger person to realise that it’s OK to be yourself and it’s fine to have feelings and emotions. You choose how you want to feel. Not society.

Be involved

If you want to help in planning your kids birthday, go for it! If you want to sing along to Frozen/ Tangled in the car, rock on! If you work all day and want to come home and give your children bath, do it. You’re a DAD! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise

Stereotypical gender roles don’t mean a thing

If you’re like me and a stay at home Dad, keep up the great work. There is no such thing as women’s work and men’s work anymore. It was all a myth anyway. If you want to go outside and fix a tire then come inside and make a fantastic dinner, that’s fine. Just work out want works for your family and go for it. If you work and you have a wife that stays at home, that’s great. If you have a wife who works and you stay at home, that’s great too.

 

 

Families also come in all different shapes and sizes. Remember to decide who does what chore based on who is better at that chore and how it makes your family better. Don’t base it on traditional gender stereotypes.

Your children deserve YOU. The best version of you. If that is a dad who is out at work, providing or a stay at home Dad, who is providing, either one is spot on. Whatever you decide, remember that only you and your family can make the decision on what your family is and what your role in that family will be.

 

Don’t let anything or anyone tell you how to do “Dad”.

 

My Daughters Make Me A Better Person

My girls are at that age where I am an essential part of their everyday lives, from the moment they wake, till the second I watch them nod off to sleep. I carefully plan and watch over them, protecting and nurturing them and try my best to ensure their happiness even if it makes me feel utterly exhausted at times. We have a million and one things going on, too many to count sometimes and with so many plates spinning all at once it’s easy to get overwhelmed. My energy gets sapped and I have to work extra hard to produce my best work. Can you relate?

However, despite all the tiring days and the days where you feel like you can’t possibly take anymore my girls seems to do more for me than I ever do for them. They inspire me to be the best possible version of myself. They make me want to work as hard as I possibly can to make sure they never have to want for anything. They make me want to be that person who is more caring, has more patience, who enjoys the simply things in life and feel like I’m the luckiest person on the planet

All to often I see and hear parents ‘slagging’ their kids off, especially on social media. They use phrases like “I can’t wait until you go back to school” and “go away, your doing by head in.” It makes me sad. It makes me sad because I would ever speak to my girls or anyone else in that manor. I am the only one who wants their kids with them or near them all the time? I hate it when Olivia goes to nursery and I’m not with her or when I have to leave them to go off to work. If I thought either of them would respond to me home schooling them, I would. Sure, every parent has their moments and any parents who says they don’t are clearing suffering from memory loss due to tiredness.

So, I have come up with five reasons why my daughters make me a better person.

Empathy towards others. The hardest job in the world is parenting and until I had my own children I didn’t fully appreciate how hard it was. Now I know how my own Mum and Dad felt and are probably still feeling. Does the work of a parent ever stop!?

They remind me of the joys of childhood. Having my babies has given me no option but to lay on the floor with them, colour in or play pretend with Barbie dolls

They make me appreciate the simple things. They live in the moment and enjoy things for what they are. They accept and see the good in others without judgement. There is no need to over complicate things.

They make me feel like the luckiest person on the planet. I can’t help but look at my children on a daily basis and feel an immense amount of pride. I still can’t believe that I co-created them.

They make me feel hopeful for the future. My girls are three and one but are already strong, intelligent and resilient. They give me hope for the future of girls and women in what is still a masculine dominated world.

In short, they enrich my life in many wonderful ways. So let’s celebrate our children for being who they are, which for me is nothing short of amazing!

Do your little ones make you a better? Let me know in the comments below

Shared Parental Leave Is Definitely In Its Infancy.

Shared Parental Leave has been getting a lot of media coverage again. Reading by YOU THE DADDY entitled ‘Why dads aren’t taking up shared parental leave (but why we all should)’ has made me think back to last year when I have my experience of it. Which always leads on to thinking about the reasons why more dads don’t take advantage of this fantastic opportunity.

Juggling a baby and a toddler (as they were then) wasn’t easy, and it’s true to say there were some hellish days. Equally as frustrating was the immense pressure of self-judgement: my annoyance when I’d catch myself looking at my phone for a few minutes rather than playing with the girls, or for failing to do any laundry, or running out of milk, or not having the energy to make a healthy tea. Those things and much more really did dominate my thoughts throughout those four months. It was not a stress-free time.

So, looking back, would I really want to do it again?

The answer is a resounding yes. The frustrating days were overwhelmingly outnumbered by the wonderful ones. I got to know Robyn so much more than previous because of my wife being on maternity and me being at work, cramming in the overtime to help with the finances. I cared for her as she grew from a five-month-old who could do nothing more than lay on her back and cry to a nine-month-old who could laugh, crawl. I had some precious moments with both children, as well as with my own parents, sister and nephew.

One of the most important things I did learn was that Shared Parental Leave is definitely in its infancy!

While Shared Parental Leave is a good step in the right direction, for many, it’s still the unknown, with employees still sketchy on the detail. But, do Dads really know what they’re entitled too and is the company they work for forthcoming with that information? I am in a very fortunate position where the company I work for has that information completely accessible on the colleague website but only if you know where to look for it. Again, I am aware of what entitlements people do and do not have because I am ex-management but if I didn’t have that knowledge I wouldn’t know where to go or who to ask. A government assessment suggested 285,000 working fathers would be eligible to take the leave, but only 2% to 8% would do so. This compares with about nine in 10 fathers in Sweden and Norway, where between 80% and 100% of their earnings are replaced while they are on leave.

So is it the lack of awareness why after almost 3 years of SPL being introduced, there is still only a small number of dads taking the time they’re entitled too or is it something else? From speaking to some of the dads that I know, concerns over career progression were a factor for many, with half of them saying they thought taking leave would be perceived negatively at work and after questioning some mums, some didn’t want to share their leave. Are some men still made to feel like it’s their duty to go out and earn the money, despite having this option to stay at home with our children?

For some, pay played a key factor in the decision to take SPL, 80% of employees surveyed said a decision to share leave would depend on finances and whether their employer paid more than obliged to. For those who aren’t aware, statutory pay set at a maximum of £139.58 a week or 90% of your average earnings (whichever one lower). I was in the incredible position where I was around the same as I would earn working 3 days a week so pay didn’t really affect us but I can see from those numbers why Dads just aren’t taking the time. Are companies and employers doing enough though?

What do I think?

I’m a great supporter of dads taking time off for their kids and this initial negativity is disappointing. What employers need to realise is the positive impact it will have on them. Yes, you’ll be out of the office for a few months (a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things) but once back, this will soon be forgotten and you’re likely to make a more engaged and motivated team. Above all that, I’d like to think that my children have benefited from having me at home 100% of the time.

Credit for the Illustration goes to the very talented Naomi Dawson at www.no-me.com

For now, however, I am back to having a ‘proper job’ on the side of my true vocation of being a stay-at-home dad.

I've Got a Gut Feeling I've Got A Dad Bod

So, I think I’ve got a dad bod. For those not in the know, a dad bod is described as a nice balance between a beer gut and working out. A dad bod says that you go to the gym occasionally (or in my case never) but you also enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time. Which when I sit and think about it, does describe a lot of dads that I know.

How do you know if you have a dad bod? Well, if you can’t see your feet when you’ve got your shirt off, you’re probably on your way to having a prize-winning dad bod. If like me you have a casual approach to exercise, by casual I mean never and you enjoy a pizza from time to time, you’ve probably got it.

If I’m being honest I am leaning slightly more towards the beer gut (or food in my case) then I am the working out an end of the scale and I sometimes regret that extra slice of pizza when I’m looking at myself in the mirror when I’m getting changed. I am ashamed of it? NO! Should I shame myself? NO! Should I change my entire life to become that dude you see in the swimming pool with a washboard stomach and rock hard pecks. HELL NO!!!

I didn’t always feel like this though. I use to be very self-conscious. I use to be self-conscious about the way I looked, the way I dressed and the way people saw me in general. I think as you get older you get to the stage where you start to care less and less about all that. Things happen to you in life that makes you see and feel things differently and I guess we’re going through a bit of that now. It probably started when I turned Thirty, I felt like I’d grown up. I’ve brushed off the self-doubt that you feel in your twenties and thought it myself ‘I’m happy just as I am.’ Technically I’m in good health, I never feel out of breath or feel like I don’t do anything, I’m just far too busy to get all fitness model for it.

Is it society that still makes some men feel like it’s something to be ashamed of? There is still huge pressure on both men and women to look a certain way. It shapes the way we feel about our appearance and the things we do to try and ‘improve’ ourselves. Which often leads things like low self-esteem, anxiety and in extreme cases eating disorders. For example, some men will watch films with ripped male actors and will no doubt be thinking to themselves “I need to be more like him.”.

If you’re a dad, you’re already awesome in my eyes and you have literally nobody to answer to when it comes to not being as shredded as our society would like. I mean, who’s going to criticize a man who can’t find time to hit the gym when he’s clearly busy raising his children? NO ONE! There’s no shame in having a dad bod or being comfortable in your own skin. Remember Dads rule.

Transferable Skills Of A Stay-At-Home Dad

Being a parent isn’t easy. It requires you to work 365 days a year. With no holidays, no sick days and zero salaries. There’s no training scheme to teach you how to do it. There’s no appraisal or reward system to let you know whether you’re doing a good job or not. You’re just expected to get on with it and hope you’re not going to completely mess it up.

Yet, despite the massive amounts of pressure, responsibility and hard work that goes into it, it can be the most rewarding job you’ll ever have.

It’s also the most varied job I’ve ever had and this got me thinking. If you left your job completely so you could be at home and raise your children, what do people actually do when they want to go back into the ‘workplace’ after being at home with their children for so long? I know if I wanted to go back to work and change fields now my CV would look very sparse, or would it?

Surely the skills that I have acquired from looking after my two girls all day, every day for the last 3 years are transferable into other areas too? Being around two children under the age of four and having to deal with their trails and tribulation surely qualifies me in all manner of professions in today’s world, don’t you think? I must have learnt something.

Here are some of the jobs I have as a stay-at-home parent that I think would be perfectly transferable into the working world. Mums, you will probably recognise most of these too.

GP, Surgeon and therapist.

Personal shopper, dresser and stylist.

Bodyguard and security.

Judge.

Activity organiser, event coordinator and party planner.

Photographer and Detective.

Monster killer and General superhero.

Investment banker, accountant and finance manager.

A caretaker and dog walker.

Cook, cleaner and dishwasher.

Personal assistant, chauffeur.

Bodyguard, security and referee.

Household CEO.

So these are the many jobs I have as a stay-at-home parent that are completely transferable will help me build up my CV and make me far more attractive to any potential employer.

I often think about the future and returning to ‘paid work’ and if I’m being honest, it fills me dread but after writing this post it’s quite clear that my feelings are unfounded. I seemed to have learnt a lot from being a stay-at-home dad without even realising it.

What do you think? Did I miss any? Let me know in the comments below.

Dad Dress | How My Wardrobe Changed After Having Kids

I had a massive wake-up call this morning: maybe the way I dress isn’t doing anything for me. I have become one of those parents who dresses for comfort and practicality over style. I have stopped consciously dressing, and instead, gone into ‘just put stuff on’ mode, which isn’t good.

The start of my epiphany moment came the other week when we went on a rare child free night out. I remember looking in my wardrobe and thinking, ‘crap’ I actually have nothing to wear that isn’t a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. So before we’d even got to the going out part of our date night, I had to buy a whole new outfit. This was partly because I don’t think cargo shorts and a band t-shirt are acceptable in a bar but mainly so the missus would actually want to be seen with me.

How did it come to this?

Back in the day (before kids), I considered myself pretty well dressed. Fast-forward 2 years and while I’m very much embracing the modern, hands-on dad regime, there just isn’t time for all that preening and posturing with two small dictators ruling my diary.

With juggling the girls, the dogs, working at my paid job a couple of days a week and everything else in between the last thing on my mind is what to wear. So I’ve given in and just accepted it: I dress like a dad and I have made it so the selection process for my daily outfit is basic and without thought.

This has also translated into my life outside of being a parent and into the life where it’s just me and Rachel. I’ve been in ‘parent mode’ for so long, I’ve actually forgotten how to dress.

To put it simply: I just can’t be bothered and that’s not a good thing either. Just because I’m a dad and my fashion has seen a shift, it doesn’t mean I need to let my standards drop altogether.

My wardrobe.

Since becoming a stay-at-home Dad I would say my style/standard of dress has been in a steady decline. To the point now where it consists of three individual components:

Flip flops. Look, don’t hate me. But the truth is, flip flops are incredibly low maintenance and easy. Once you get past the idea that the only people who wear flip flops live my the sea and frequent walkabout pubs, you realise that they’re very comfy.

A T-shirt of a Superhero or band. The choice of a t-shirt I wear is determined by a simple process: If there is a t-shirt on the floor next to my bed and it doesn’t smell, then I will put it on. If there isn’t a t-shirt, or it smells, then I’ll take the first one I find in the wardrobe.

Shorts. Because let’s face it, they’re comfortable, they keep you cool and there’s less material for your children to spill things on or put their sticky hand prints all over. Plus if they’re cargo shorts like the ones I wear, then there are multi pockets for you to shove things in when your hands are full.

I was looking in my cupboard as I was writing this post and I actually only have two pairs of shorts, a handful of t-shirts and a couple of pairs of shoes (one of which is a pair of flip-flops).

What do I need to do?

Despite the lack of time and my altered outlook, I haven’t completely neglected my appearance. When life is ruled by children, my wardrobe has had to adjust to my lifestyle. The responsibility of being a dad brings with it changes that are sometimes difficult to control, I’m thinking the financial, physical and emotional ones in particular.

Dressing well as a father and a husband requires a little extra effort. There is no denying this. Having children and becoming a stay-at-home dad has definitely changed how much effort I put into my appearance.

I guess what I need is a rebrand. A rebrand of how I dress and the way I present myself. I have always maintained the attitude that I don’t care what other people think about me but after writing this post, it’s evident that I do. With the launch of our new family business, I guess appearance is important now more than ever. I may not have to wear a shirt and tie to work anymore like I did when I was in my 9-5 job, but I have come to the conclusion that I still look smart and relaxed at the same time.

 

It’s become clear though, that there is one inevitable change I can control and that’s my dad look. I’ve got the T-shirt, I just need to make sure I’m wearing it right.